How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs, Alcohol & Addiction
What You Need To Know That Others Won’t Say
Talking to children about alcohol, drugs, and addiction can be tricky and challenging topics for parents. This is especially true now that marijuana is legal in 24 states and more people are openly using it. Think of introducing these topics as a process rather than one difficult conversation.
Here are age-appropriate ways to discuss drugs and alcohol, to build their understanding, as your child grows and develops.
1. Early Childhood (Ages 3-6)
The goal at this stage is to plant important seeds to tend to for later.
Let the focal point be health & safety
Approach the topic of drugs and alcohol in the same or similar way to how you would talk about healthy foods, v. cake, cookies, and candy. For example, “alcohol can be very dangerous for your health, like eating too much candy, cake, and cookies, only even more so”. One way to indirectly lay the ground work for discussions about drugs and alcohol later is by discussing medications. For example, medicines, which are types of drugs, are very helpful when we are sick, but can be very dangerous when we don’t follow the doctors instructions about how to take them.
Watch for either/or thinking.
Most importantly during this time try not to use black and white language such as “good” or “bad”. They will inevitably pick some of this up from others, therefore, you want these discussions with you to be more nuanced. Black and white thinking about drugs and alcohol lays the groundwork for kids to question the legitimacy of what you are telling them in all types of important ways later. What we do not want is for them to begin to feel duped about drugs and alcohol at a time when it matters a lot more (such as during adolescence).
For example, if you are a family who has embraced alcohol as part of your culture, even if only as something you do at a celebration, have wine with dinner or on holidays, even if the only time they see alcohol is when they are around Grandma, kids will observe the discrepancy between what you’ve said in the past, and the behavior they see before them (e.g., if this is so bad why is Grandma doing it?). If you tell them “alcohol is bad”, they will question why someone they admire would put this “bad” thing in their body. This can then result in, 1) a natural curiosity (“the forbidden fruit”), 2) questioning the credibility of what you say in general, and 3) a great deal of confusion now and later.
Remember the influence of culture.
Kids, especially in our culture, are eager to grow up and do what the adults do. Drinking out of fancy glasses with pretty garnishes naturally piques their curiosity, as it is. Remember, a child’s brain does not mature completely until much later (25-years old), long after they will have access to drugs and alcohol. Painting drugs and alcohol as “bad”, “horrible”, even “totally unsafe”, without any further explanation can create very big problems during more rebellious stages of development. Therefore, the more you say, and the more often you circle back to what you say, the better off they will be when it matters most.
The important point to highlight throughout every state of development, but especially when they are younger is that drugs like alcohol and marijuana, while legal, can hurt your brain, body, thinking, feelings, and ability to make important choices. That they are far more dangerous for children, and teens, and that these are the reasons why grow-ups have to be the ones to make these decisions, not children.
Information is key!
For example, use simple words to explain things like where medications comes from, and how they work by changing chemicals in your brain and body over time (e.g., medicine comes from plants, foods, and scientists learn how to turn them into pills, or drinks to use for different types of health problems people have). You can use their early experiences with cold medicine, seeing you take a Tylenol for a headache, or watching someone smoke a cigar, or cigarette on the street as teaching moments. It is O.K. to explain complex ideas provided you use simple language, encourage them to ask questions often, whenever they have them, and circle back to these discussions as they come up organically.
2. Middle Childhood (Ages 7-9)
Safety.
As children grow, they become more aware of their surroundings, the behaviors of others, peer influences, etc. This is a good time to discuss the differences between safe and unsafe substances, circumstances, and conditions. For example, you might say something like, sometimes people like to drink alcohol because it makes them feel funny and relaxed, but if they make that choice, they have to do so safely or there can be grave consequences (i.e., not drinking and driving).
Genes and Individual Differences. You can also begin to explain genes, and how some people are more susceptible to the dangers of drugs (medicine and illicit drugs), and alcohol than others. If you have addiction in your family, now is a good time to begin to share that.
Loop Back to Earlier Concepts
Begin to water the seeds you have planted regarding how substances impair one’s decision making and judgement, and can be harmful to the brain, body, and mind. You can also explain that some people can do these things safely, and that others can’t.
Circle Back to “Right v. Wrong”.
Children are very quick to point out injustices at this stage, to notice when they feel they’ve been treated poorly, or unfairly, or when someone around them is doing something you’ve told them was “wrong”. This is a great time to circle back to earlier points regarding safety, and potential harms to the mind, brain, body.
They Matter!
Arguably, most important of all is to encourage them to have opinions, and to use their voice. Use any experiences they share with you about friends, or school, to teach them how to stand up for themselves, assert their opinions (even when it may be difficult to do). Explain that they never have to go along with the crowd, or do something if it doesn’t feel right for them. Explain they do not have to always agree with their friends, the group, even with you, or other adults, but that it is important to share why.
Explain the gravity and power of substances of abuse.
This is especially important regrading those drugs they are exposed to, such as alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, nicotine, etc. You can also begin to plant the seeds regarding what addiction is and means. Explain that people develop a sickness where these very powerful chemicals they once thought were fun, or made them feel a little better, over time, turn into urges that they can’t control. That while it seems safe at first, it can be very difficult to stop. Underscore this is the very reason, above all others, that drugs and alcohol are so dangerous.
Circle back to sharing their questions, thoughts and feelings, with you! This can be as simple as saying, “sometimes these things are confusing so remember you can always ask me (Mommy, Daddy, etc.) anything. I love it when you ask me questions, especially about these very important and confusing things.”
3. Pre-Adolescence (Ages 10-12)
Around this age, kids may start encountering drugs and alcohol in media, at school, or through peers. This is the most important time to have more in-depth discussions about drugs and alcohol.
The two most fundamental points to communicate during this time are,
1) that they can bring you any problem, big or small, even if they worry you will get mad or that they could get into trouble. For my daughter, because drug and alcohol abuse are in her genes, we made a pact that if she ever encounters drugs/alcohol/medication or unsafe behavior, no matter what, I promise not to get mad, yell or get angry if she shares it with me,
2) that what makes drug and alcohol use so dangerous is the fact that they might seem like harmless fun at first, but that if someone keeps doing them they cause very serious problems. Reiterate here early points that these decisions are for adults to make, not children.
Be sure to explain in more depth that the problem is you can’t tell when the change from fun to dangerous is going to happen. That it happens without you knowing, that some people don’t see all the terrible consequences of drug and alcohol use until months or even years later, but that they always come in time.
The biggest oversight of the “say no to drugs” approach was overstating the dangers without explaining that they can come later, after users have been duped into believing that some drugs (like marijuana and alcohol) are safe!
4. Adolescence (Ages 13-18)
Echo the points you’ve already made!
Repetition is your best friend! During the teenage years, provided you’ve done the early work of laying the foundation, you are simply circling back to earlier ideas, and explaining them with more nuance and in more adult ways (e.g., encouraging safe, open, and honest dialogue, the importance of asserting their voice, the power/respect you must have for drugs/alcohol, that the dangers will often show up later, and the damage it can do to your brain and body, etc).
Discuss other difficult topics.
Encourage discussions on topics such as the realities of peer pressure, sex, love, online dating/chatting, mistakes kids make online, having social media profiles, what to post, what not to post, what to send in a text and what not to send in a text (i.e., nude photos), gps tracking, privacy and boundaries, catfishing, and cyber-blackmail, which is particularly problematic for young adolescent men.
Be sure to discuss pornography.
While this can be a tough topic, it is very dangerous for young men for many reasons. First, they are using porn to self-regulate causing a desensitization to sex (which can lead to depression and make them susceptible to substance abuse). This can cause a lack of overall motivation, reluctance to pursue romantic relationships, and cause immense anxiety, and pressure to perform like the men they are watching in porn videos. Additionally, they think what they see is what women want, therefore, it’s vital to talk to help them these things.
Sex. While you might assume sex and porn are a shared discussion, they can be, but also may not be. Safe sex practices are massively under practiced in our youth today. While my generation, grew up in the wake of the HIV/AIDS epidemic therefore knew all about safe sex, kids today are clueless. They have no idea about sex, diseases/infections, not even how pregnancy works. I mean the cluelessness I have observed firsthand with my teen clients is astounding.
Be sure to discuss the importance of making informed decisions, and the specific consequences of substance use. This is also a good time to talk about mental health, coping mechanisms, and the reasons why some people might turn to substances to begin with.
Never, ever assume they know anything! Have the difficult conversations or bring in a professional who can do it for you instead.
