Fact or Fiction? Are Women Right About What Men Want?
Dating For Women Over 40!
As a career mental health professional, I get to hear the deepest, darkest, thoughts, fears, experiences … well, from most people. Even those who would never seek out a therapist are happy to unburden their soul when they find out that you are one. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I’ve observed an alarming trend amongst women over 40. Many say while they would love to find romance again, they’ve given up on it entirely. As it turns, according to a Pew Research Center (2020) study, approximately 40% of women between 40 and 60 are choosing to stay single!
When you dive deeper into why this might be, you will hear many of the same themes emerge. Some say they’ve given up because they are skeptical of online dating, they are too jaded from a lifetime of bad experiences, that there are “no good men left”, that men their age “only want to date younger women”, that “all men want is casual sex”, “that men only care about looks” so it’s not worth it anyway, and/or that men are not trustworthy.
To try and find out to what degree these concerns bore out in the data, I went digging through the annals of research for answers, and what I found may actually surprise you.
Fact: Compatibility Is A Legitimate Concern.
As we get older, have had more lived experience, we are more sure about who we are and what it is that we want. Though women of all ages prioritize compatibility when finding a mate, younger women tend to be less certain about what it is they want in a partner and are more willing to make concessions in service of starting a family. The truth is life is more complicated as we get older and finding someone who shares in your values, lifestyle, and relationship goals is just more logistically difficult.
Fiction: Older Men Are “Only” Interested in Younger Women
This idea turns out to be a stereotype. Remember, men can have children throughout their life span, therefore, those who are still looking to have a family as they age, will need a woman who is still in her reproductive years. However, the research suggests the oppositive to be true for those who are not looking to have children. In fact, it turns out older men who are looking for a relationship prefer women closer to their age, a trend that has remained constant for decades (Bunk et al., 2001; Lammers et al., 2011; Pew Research Center, 2020).
Fact & Fiction: Men Only Care About Looks
This one is tricky but may surprise you a bit. Though a U.K. study suggests that men over 40 prioritize looks about two times more than women (Whyte et al., 2021), these numbers appear to be up for debate, at least in the U.S. A 2014 study by Meltzer et al., for example, found there to be no significant difference between the genders when it comes to prioritizing looks (and they’re not alone). As it turns out, however, physical attractiveness may matter significantly less for those dating over 40 for these three important reasons,
Men value physical attractiveness less as they age (Drew, 2018). Researchers have found that while younger men tend to prioritize looks and body type at a high premium, older men are more concerned with personality, emotional connection, companionship and are looking for a partner to share life experiences with, rather than just how hot they are (Drew, 2018, Pew Research Center, 2020). Older men, believe it or not, report being more concerned with kindness and having a strong connection with their partner (Buss & Schmitt, 1993, Langlois et al., 2000; Bunk et al., 2001; Lammers et al., 2011; Pew Research Center, 2020, Pew Research Center, 2020).
Importantly, men (and women) who value physical attractiveness most tend to be looking for shorter term and more casual relationships (Pew Research, 2020). This means, for older women looking to be in a relationship, it is unlikely that these folks would factor into the dating pool that you would be selecting from.
Men are attracted to a wide array of women. That means, women of all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. While we all have our preferences when it comes to who we are attracted to, when it comes down to it women tend to be more critical and care way more about how they look then their male counterparts do (Quittkat et al., 2019).
Fiction: Men Are Only Looking For Casual Sex
While this can be true for men and women, it turns out most men view sex as more than just a physical activity. In fact, men report seeking to deepen their emotional bonds to their partner(s) through sexual experiences (Impett & Peplau, 2003). Additionally, most cis men do not, and will not, spend a great deal of time with a woman they don’t have a desire to build a meaningful connection with. While this does not mean you should just trust all men, it does mean their more physical nature serves as a way to build a deeper and more meaningful connection with you!
Fiction: There Are No Available Men
This is one I tend to hear a lot! Women over 40 seem to feel that if a man is still single there must be something wrong with him, and/or that if they’re a good man their probably gobbled up already. Though I may be in the minority on this, I see it much differently. Men who are single over 40 may also be among those who are holding out for the right person, rather than quick to jump on something that does not fit. As it turns out, while we can’t know why, the numbers just don’t support the notion that there are no available men. According to Pew Research Center (2023) 30% of men over 50 report they are single.
Fiction: Men Are Liars
As it turns out, men and women are equally deceptive when it comes to dating. One study found approximately 80% of people admit to including “deviations” from the truth on their online dating profiles (Toma et al., 2008). Where they differ is on what they are lying about. For example, men tend to lie about height, while women lie about things like their age and weight. The Toma et al. (2008) study found both genders to be the “least accurate” when it came to their photographs and the “most accurate” when it came to their relationship information.
Fiction: Men Are Less Emotional Than Women
Though for centuries we’ve been told that women are more emotional than men, this turns out to be highly suspect. Research suggests the reason we think women are more emotional than men comes down to differences in how we express emotions, not degrees of emotion. The reason we believe this is simply because we’ve been trained to. Thanks to decades of cultural ideas about gender roles (e.g., it’s not ok for men to show their emotions), men and women not only express emotion differently, but have been taught to classify emotion behaviors in different ways. For example, men who scream and cry over their sports teams are thought to be “passionate”, while women who scream and cry are said to be “hormonal”, “dramatic”, or “on their period”. Regardless, when it comes to romantic relationships, men feel just like women do. They struggle with trust, being judged, feeling rejected, worrying they’re not good enough, and even feel just as much hurt, pain, sadness, etc., when lied to or betrayed by their partners (Weigard et al., 2021; Pew Research Center, 2020, 2023) .
The moral of this story is it just might be worth it to put your assumptions on the shelf and consider giving dating another go.
References
Buunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Kenrick, D. T., & Warntjes, A. (2001). Age preferences for mates as related to gender, own age, and involvement level. Evolution and Human Behavior, 22(4), 241–250. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(01)00065-4
Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: an evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological review, 100(2), 204–232. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.100.2.204
Langlois, J. H., Kalakanis, L., Rubenstein, A. J., Larson, A., Hallam, M., & Smoot, M. (2000). Maxims or myths of beauty? A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 126(3), 390–423. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.126.3.390
Lammers, Joris & Stoker, Janka & Jordan, Jennifer & Pollmann, Monique & Stapel, Diederik. (2011). Power Increases Infidelity Among Men and Women. Psychological science. 22. 1191-7. 10.1177/0956797611416252.
Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., Jackson, G. L., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Sex differences in the implications of partner physical attractiveness for the trajectory of marital satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 106(3), 418–428. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034424
Pew Research Center (2020). The age gap in dating. The preferences of older adults. https://www.pewresearch.org.
Pew Research (2023). The American trends survey.
https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/facts-single-americans-methodology.pdf
Quittkat, H. L., Hartmann, A. S., Düsing, R., Buhlmann, U., & Vocks, S. (2019). Body Dissatisfaction, Importance of Appearance, and Body Appreciation in Men and Women Over the Lifespan. Frontiers in psychiatry, 10, 864. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00864
Toma, C. L., Hancock, J. T., & Ellison, N. B. (2008). Separating fact from fiction: An examination of deceptive self-presentation in online dating profiles. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(8), 1023–1036. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167208318067
Weigard, A., Loviska, A. M., & Beltz, A. M. (2021). Little evidence for sex or ovarian hormone influences on affective variability. Scientific reports, 11(1), 20925. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-021-00143-7
Whyte, S., Brooks, R. C., Chan, H. F., & Torgler, B. (2021). Sex differences in sexual attraction for aesthetics, resources, and personality across age. PLoS ONE, 16(5), Article e0250151. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0250151
