Finding A Soul Mate Over 40!

The Pros, Cons, and What To Do To Get What You Want

Over the last few years, I have observed an alarming trend. Clients, friends, and even family members appear to be paralyzed by the notion of finding love, romance, or a life partner over 40! Regardless of the circumstances, whether it’s someone who has been married with children and is now divorced, widowed, or someone who has remained single, dating over 40 appears to present huge challenges to their ability to imagine a future with an actual soulmate. As a therapist, a mental health professional who has helped many women over 40 find love again, I have a different take, a unique view on the topic, that I know is important to share.

First, let’s take a closer look at the challenges women very often face when looking to date over 40,

1.     Emotional Baggage

It is no big surprise to learn that many of us carry emotional scars from previous relationships. This may result in trust issues, fears of loss or rejection, sexual issues, unhelpful beliefs about relationships, or emotional baggage that makes it hard to turn in the direction of new relationship.

2.     A Changing Landscape

Adjusting to the idea of online dating can be a lot, especially if you’ve been out of the game for a long time. Navigating dating apps, and changes in social norms and expectations around dating can feel quite overwhelming! Deciding which app or cite to choose is, by itself, a research project, not to mention how to present yourself on your profile, what to say, how much to say, which pictures to use, etc. Then there’s becoming comfortable with finding a match and beginning a dialogue back and forth. Next comes communication etiquette, decisions about how long to wait before giving out your number or agreeing to meet up in person, etc., and this is all before you even know whether the person you’re talking to is someone who you would ever give the time of day in person.

 3.     Self-Esteem Issues

Maybe the biggest challenge women face in dating over 40 comes down to issues related to self-esteem. Given the messaging our culture has embraced around a woman’s value as she gets older v. our male counterparts, women are quick to assume they will not be able to attract a man worthy of dating. In essence, they give up failing to recognize, 1) how their perception may be biasing their experience, and/or, 2) the power they continue to hold to attract men. By assuming their ‘light’ is diminished, many women either give up way too soon, avoid dating like the plague, or continue to psych themselves out, unknowingly priming their thoughts (emotions, and perception) for experiences that affirm or match their preconceived beliefs and expectations about men and dating.

Now, Let’s Review the Positive Aspects of Dating Over 40,

1.     Clarity of Wants & Needs

As we get older, we do become wiser. We know ourselves much better and are more able to trust in our sense of what it is we want and need in a relationship. For example, after years of unwittingly dating those with a proclivity towards substance use and abuse, I finally made ‘no drugs or alcohol’ a non-negotiable moving into the future. As it turns out, those who select “no drugs or alcohol” on their dating profile’s tend to fall into one of two groups, 1) body builders, athletes, or very health-focued individuals, or 2) those in recovery from a substance use problem. I chose the former.

2.     Self-Awareness

Beyond our awareness of what we want in a partner, we are also more self-aware, more knowledgeable about who we are, and are far less tolerant than our younger selves. Women in their 20s and 30s are quick to overlook what they don’t like in their partner in order to find someone to build a family with. Though we don’t entirely realize it at the time, once we are no longer looking to build a family, an enormous weight is lifted whereby we can be much more specific, even selfish, about what it is we want.  

3.     Self-Assuredness.

Though women over 40 may struggle with self-esteem and/or fears of rejection, we inherently radiate a different level of self-assuredness that looks a lot like self -confidence. We are less likely to “beat around the bush”, pull punches, and are direct and vocal about our wants and needs. We don’t waste time, are more certain and decisive, and therefore, can navigate the dating world with less inhibition, untethered to things like hurting someone’s feelings.

So, What Can I Do To Change?

 As a psychotherapist, career mental health professional, and someone with a unique perspective on dating that I will take the time to explain more later, here are the steps I strongly advise women to take in order to move towards finding a soulmate. Keep in mind these interventions absolutely work!

1)     Clear Away What Lingers From the Past!

In my therapy sessions I utilize a therapeutic modality called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to, once and for all, clear away old hurts! Once we identify what these are, we can then reprocess the stories or narratives we’ve told ourselves as a result of these painful experiences. The thing is, most of us do not even know we have a need for this type of clearing, or that these old hidden emotional wounds are interfering with having the future we want. Traditionally EMDR was/is used to heal PTSD and all types of trauma. Most simply do not know EMDR can be used to support anyone in healing any and all hurts, and is an especially useful tool for those with a lifetime of relationship baggage.

For those who do not want to seek out this type of intervention, try going to our cite, sorting through our clearing exercises, and paying attention for what is called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Though this isn’t a substitute for EMDR, it is a clearing modality that can and does help. Look for topics that speak to you and your circumstances, and simply follow along with the person doing the guiding. Feel free to use our client portal for more information and to access those practitioners whom we trust, and prefer (use code grow2be2 to access).

2)    Pair Movement with Being In the Present Moment

While we are all at different levels of fitness through the second half of our lives, it matters less what the movement you select is, and more how you engage in it. The reason for pairing movement with being present (or what we typically call mindfulness) is simple. This is precisely how the brain rewires itself for a much healthier and happy attitude, mood, perception, and for health and wellness moving ahead. In fact, in combining the two we get a 2 for 1 deal, maybe even a 3 or 4 for 1, depending on the choices we make (Siegel 2006, 2010, 2018).

The four practices that inspire this type of brain/mind healing are, 1) mindfulness, 2) learning something new (new information), 3) movement, and 4) social interaction (Siegel 2006, 2010, 2018). Learning to take up hatha yoga, hot yoga, chair yoga, kundalini yoga, aerial yoga, or yoga of any kind, will give you this 4 for 1 deal, thereby single handedly changing your life in extraordinary ways. If yoga is too intimidating start with ‘mindful walking’. If these types of activities are not your thing find a type of exercise or activity that might be. One client I have with medical issues that preclude her from yoga or rigorous exercise took up Tai Chi and absolutely loves it! All martial arts also serve as a 4 for 1! Heck, if you used to play a team sport, consider inquiring about joining a league, a mall walking group, or some way to combine something new with action, awareness, and social interaction! The payout will be priceless!

3.     Finally, be mindful of limiting beliefs

These are belief that may, unbeknownst to you be interfering greatly with your ability to date successfully. Listen for limiting statements, thoughts, and/or beliefs (e.g., all men want a younger woman, I’m too fat to be desirable, no one will want an old woman like me, why would someone want to date me, I’m not fun enough, it’s hopeless, etc.). Do more to consciously be aware of what your mind is doing throughout your day. For example, are you spending time replaying past regrets and/or fears of the future? Do you try and multi-task through every moment of the day? These are signs of being overly invested in a fear-based framework that will absolutely limit your ability to see, and experience the full extent of what is truly possible! Some use journaling or quiet reflection in the morning and evening as a way to increase their awareness.

While I am always weary of making promises, I can honestly say here, if you can do these things consistently enough, you are guaranteed the results you want!

References

Siegel, D. J. (2006). An Interpersonal Neurobiology Approach to Psychotherapy. Psychiatric Annals, 36(4), 248-256.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). “Interpersonal Neurobiology”. https://web.archive.org/web/20100604234539/http:/ceed.pdx.edu/ipnb/.

Siegel, D. (2018). Dan Siegel on Interpersonal Neurobiology. [Video]. psychotherapy.net/https://www.psychotherapy.net/video/interpersonal-neurobiology