Moving On From Lost Love
5 Ways To Expedite The Process
Healing from a bad breakup, divorce, or lost love can be a challenging journey, especially for those over 40, but it is also, equally an opportunity for growth, renewal, and to get very clear about what it is you want most moving forward. Having gone through it myself only a short time ago and come out the other side in far better shape that I could have imagined, here are the five, off the cuff things you can do to help yourself get through the healing process to the other side more quickly.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
The important point here is to allow yourself to be emotional, to acknowledge what you are experiencing! You’ve liked heard about the five stages of grief, a.k.a. denial, anger, bargaining, and depression (a.k.a. sadness) as the pathway to acceptance, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969). The point being, denying your emotions will only keep them around longer and likely make it significantly worse! Most importantly, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship without judgment. It’s noteworthy to mention that Kubler-Ross later added a 6th stage of grief she dubbed making meaning, one that will be very important for you as you move steadily away from the heartache and towards the future you want most (Kessler, 2019). Remember, healing is not linear. It takes time…often more than we would like or than is convenient. You may have good days and you may have bad days. Be patient with yourself and recognize that it’s okay if it takes longer than you think it should to move through the heartache. If I am being completely honest, while these wounds do get easier with time, some will never entirely heal. Acknowledging this truth is also part of acceptance, and the healing, process.
2. Limit Contact with Your Ex
This is an utterly critical point. What most people do not know is every time you lay eyes on an important person, or any person for that matter, with whom you have an established relationship, your brain automatically brings to the forefront all that you know, feel, and the very way you think and interact with that person. This is how and why we can pick right back up with an old friend no matter how much time has passed. To move on, taking a break from communication, unfollowing, and even blocking them on Social Media and in your contacts is the hardest, but most sure-fire way to begin to heal and move on.
3. Seek Support
Leaning on friends, family, even Facebook friends or online chat groups can expedite the process of healing. While not “burdening” others with your sorrow or going it alone might feel like the right thing to do, talking about it will expedite the process of change. Reach out to your support network, and if you don’t have one, make one. This is the beauty of the internet age! There are others out there who share in your pain. If you really just can’t imagine “bothering” friends and family or seeking out a new community then seriously consider professional support. Though as a therapist, I might be a bit biased, this is what many use therapy for! Not only does having the full attention of an objective ear help absolve you of any guilt or shame you might have about “bothering others”, mental health professionals can actually offer tools and strategies to help you cope and expedite the healing process.
4. Change Things Up
After a breakup, the heavy emotions that inevitably rear their head can make daily life seem pretty bleak. May favorite quote regarding depression comes from scientist Robert Sapolsky (2010) who said, “depression is having too many sad thoughts and getting the rest of the brain to go along with it”. According to the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, two of the most fundamental ways to expedite the brain’s healing, and therefore one’s mental state, are 1) moving your body, and 2) engaging with others socially. Whether this means going for walks each day, heading back to the gym, taking a dance class, joining a sports league, or whatever else, between doing this and adding a periodic night out with friends, or having a laugh with family, coworkers, etc., making these choices will facilitate your healing, growth, and change much more quickly!
5. Start a Daily Mindfulness Practice
Unfortunately, like most things that make their way to popular culture, mindfulness has become a watered-down concept, a cliché, that most do not totally understand and are far too quick to dismiss. Along with movement and social interaction, developing a mindfulness practice is a necessity to our brain’s ability to heal. Now, the important part here is selecting a mindfulness tool that fits who you are. If meditation is appealing, go for it! Meditation is the fastest way to eviscerate unwanted negative thoughts and emotions. However, if you know meditation is not for you, try yoga, journaling, guided meditations, kundalini yoga (a type of more spiritual practice the combines focus with movement), or learning how to simply stay focused on the present moment. If you’re not sure what that means, here are some pointers you can use to get started. Keep in mind, some of these activities count for 2 0r 3 0r even 4 for 1’s. For example, you can simply combine walking and mindfulness, try a basic yoga group class, or add mindfulness to your already established exercise routine. You can also find countless videos, exercises, pointers, etc., in our website library (use the access code grow2be2).
References
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: the sixth stage of grief. First Scribner hardcover edition. New York, NY, Scribner.
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York, The Macmillan Company.
Sapolsky, R. M., (2010). Stanford’s Sapolsky on Depression in U.S. (Full). [Video]. Youtube. https://youtu.be/NOAgplgTxfc.
